I’m sitting in clinic, balling my eyes out today, grabbing a Macmillan booklet on the emotional effects of cancer and turning the pages like a woman possessed. It’s a good read if you’re in my situation – here’s the link to the PDF
It has not been a good few days for me emotionally. I’m feeling very overwhelmed – I blame going through 4 years of ups and downs on this blog to be honest. I’m missing the children so much. I think the high of having them here with me and doing all those wonderful things has led to this low. I just should be with them, doing all the things that we take for granted as mothers.
As other patients sitting here watch me nervously, I want to tell them it’s not cancer I’m crying about, in fact this is probably the longest time since diagnosis I haven’t worried about it. I really feel on top of everything medically and I’m waiting here to get my first CT results since the trial began – I’m apparently very very close to Complete Remission which, after only 3 cycles of Obinutuzimab and 2 months on the full dose of venetoclax, is remarkable. I just need to be with my children now – it’s breaking my heart not to be there for them. I’m sick of being strong and I’m cross with myself for feeling so low when I’m doing so well and lucky to be on this trial. #passtheselfpitybucket #atleastthisshouldhelpthesinuses
Update tonight – I got to see John pretty much after I wrote this and told him that the tears were just to help me jump up the list. The Senior Trials nurse had come to move me out of the waiting room and I think he got a bit of a shock when he saw the state I was in, it’s not very me. He thinks I may very well be in Complete Remission and that the node which is still slightly enlarged could be scar tissue. He’s very happy with the way things have gone. The coolest thing was when I asked him if I should wear a mask on next week’s flight back to Australia and he said no that would stop me being able to drink the champagne. I do like him, he’s on my wavelength and gets what I’m going through. He thinks I’ll get to CR and no detectable disease, I just need to have something which I’m not good at practising…patience.